I’m so ashamed of my actions lately. Unresolved issues that have my heart in a chokehold has my emotions completely scattered. Damn near begging someone to spend time with me, to wanna be with me, getting so emotionally upset that I’m putting my hands on someone and wanting to physically fight - all of this is not who I am but lately it’s who I’ve become.
Years of having my feelings destroyed over and over again by the same person has me on edge. But I take full responsibility for everything that’s happened at this point. People can only treat you how you allow them to. It’s my fault for sticking around when I first saw his true colors. It’s my fault for holding on to words that mean nothing because the actions were never there. It’s my fault for loving someone who can truly only love himself. It’s my fault for running back to someone who repeatedly put other women before me, all while telling me I’m the one that he really wants to be with. And it’s also my fault for relapsing and falling right back into his arms when he sees fit to jump back into my life. I knew better and I still do.
Allowing someone to break me down internally has me feeling low, sometimes unattractive, insecure, and like I’m not worthy of someone wanting me and only me. All of these things are thoughts that I have to tell myself daily the opposite of. You’re beautiful and worthy, even if he doesn’t think so.
I’m not crazy nor bipolar. Neither am I “playing the victim.” I just love way too hard and made the mistake of falling and staying in love with the wrong person. Someone feeds you bullshit for so long that you really believe it and hold on to hope.
Four years of loving you more than I loved myself. Four years of “love” that led to depression, panic disorder and self-deprecation. Four years of feeling like I’ve never been good enough. Four years that I’ll never get back.
I’m done blocking numbers in a petty attempt to trick my mind into thinking that will change anything. There is ways of getting around it anyway so what’s the point? Rejection in general sucks but when it comes from a person who swore up and down that they would never flip on you, it stings way more than I can explain. Who do you turn to when your someone goes from wanting the world with you to nothing at all? Yourself. Don’t ever give up on you just because he did.
My heart ain’t built for the run around. And call me a dumbass all you want but what you could never say is that my feelings nor intentions weren’t the same from beginning to end. The benefit of the doubt done threw me under the bus once again.
I feel like the biggest dark cloud is following me. My mother sent me two boxes of my winter things (sweaters, coats and boots) and most of it is missing. All that got sent to me is one box with sweaters. The box with the boots is missing and all of my coats were in the same box with the sweaters, which makes me think someone at the post office ripped open the box and stole my shit. USPS customer service is worthless and I feel helpless. They left a bullshit letter in the box “apologizing for the inconvenience” and telling me to write a letter to their recovery center in Atlanta to TRY to get my stuff back. Someone in either Queens or NJ is walking around with stuff I spent good money on and I’m so sick about it. I’m not in the best position financially for shit like this to happen right now. Five coats and three pairs of boots gone just like that. This winter shall be interesting.
Leaving the house with wet hair, looking like a poodle. The mission is to get drunk on a special someone’s rooftop so who cares.
Accept what’s been said to you. You should have known the fairytale that was being fed to you all along was just that - a fairytale.
Something I made to try to cheer myself up but ended up wasting 80% of it because who has an appetite when they’re down? Cinnamon apple rum French toast with whipped cream.
I’m so happy to have woken up in Brooklyn. I’m even more happy about being able to walk around here butt ass naked, taking a long bubble bath while getting lifted, and cooking up something amazing for dinner later. I’m gonna search for the biggest bottle of white wine that I can find to guzzle while I cook and be merry. I’m cool with pretending that this cute little apartment is my own for the next week.