ScHoolboy Q - My Hatin’ Joint
"Man, that nigga, he can’t protect you. Remember when he had left you?"
Gotta get my daily TDE fix on my morning drive to work.
Summer body on the way, I swear. Y’all gon’ get sick of seeing me in things like this.
All of this pent up aggression that’s been building up inside of me has a lot to do with sexual frustration. Can’t you just be here when I get home so all of my daily woes can be spread all over you and released on your dick? You don’t even have to ask me how my day was. See the look on my face and go to town on me. No “how was work?” or “what happened?” Just push my legs back or wrap ‘em around your waist. Let me choke you out and slap you while my hips do the talking. Get a handful of my curls and don’t be gentle. Arch my back and throw the pillows off the bed so I have to scream. Lay back and let my tongue tell your dick how much I’ve missed you.
Toys aren’t cutting it anymore.
Unlike some, I’m not afraid to admit when I’m hurt or going through some deep shit. I used to hold back on expressing these things publicly in fear of possibly giving whoever has gotten to me the power of knowing that they have affected me in such a way. I know better now. So the fuck what if they know? If you find any type of satisfaction in knowing that you’ve put someone through emotional or mental distress, you’re the worst type of human being there is.
I’m trying not to dwell on how I feel and just move on. I say this all the time but I really am so much better than this. This daunting feeling won’t last for too long, I’m hoping. There is so much happening in my life, mostly my pending move back to NYC, and I need to focus on that. Things are in the works and that keeps me on edge, but I feel it in my heart that everything will work out. I finally feel like my life is starting at 25 (soon to be). I have a lot of catching up to do.
I’m an amazing person. I need to realize that more often. Anyone who doesn’t recognize my light AND handle the glare ain’t built for this.
I refuse to feel the way I did yesterday ever again. Feeling hopeless and lost and literally falling apart at the seams. Waking up like that created a domino effect and the rest of my day went to shit. I’m way stronger than this but at times, I just don’t want to be strong. I want to cry. I want to sulk. I want to dive under my covers and stay there until further notice. I want to figure out why I’m not worth loving and keeping around. I want to know how I ended up here in this space. I just want to know why I’m not happy and haven’t been able to grasp happiness in years. Why can’t I fake the funk like the rest of y’all? Why must I always feel and wear those feelings all over my skin? Why can’t I feel something different for once?
I’m so much better than this but until I realize that, this feeling will continue to stick around and haunt me.
Having one of the shittiest mornings that I’ve had in a while. I literally just felt like I was falling apart. Somehow my father’s simple words made me feel a bit better. “Whatever it is that is making you unhappy, let it go. Let it all go.”
Will do, Daddy.